Linda can appreciate the hours of anguish and toil that went into choosing a name for my customer sales rep, only to discover we had picked the same name! (Who knew "Joanne" was so popular?!) So I have reverted back to my original name. I know that's a minor detail, but names are so fascinating... in any case, I digress, and without prolonging the agony, here is my version of a letter of claim to Biltmore Wireless:
[Addresses omitted]
Dear Hugh
I am writing concerning a problem with the text messaging display of my cellphone. I would like the phone to be repaired or replaced without charge, as this is the second time it has broken down.
I purchased the phone under warranty at Biltmore Wireless just over a year ago. Eight months later the text messaging display stopped working. When I notified your department of this matter, I was impressed with your friendly service and how quickly you repaired my phone. This was particularly important to me because I depend on text messaging to communicate with my family when I am frequently away on business. Yesterday, however, the screen went blank again while I was in the middle of a conversation with my daughter. Since this seems to be a recurring problem, although the phone is just out of warranty, I would like the phone to be repaired or replaced at no cost.
I appreciated your prompt reply and excellent service the last time this situation occurred, and I’m sure I can continue to count on your company to stand behind your products.
Sincerely
Jayne Romero
There are a couple points I feel are weak: namely the intro (too abrupt?), and the way I tucked the "my warranty has expired" part into the last sentence of the second paragraph. I tried to follow the "slip it into the middle of the sentence" model, but I'm not sure that really disguises anything. Do I have to be so devious about it? I think it sounds better to be more upfront: "Although the phone is just out of warranty, since this seems to be a recurring problem I would like the phone repaired or replaced at no additional cost." Or something like that. What do you think? Should I change it?
UPDATED VERSION:
Ok, I think this is the final, hand-in copy. Muchos gracias to Linda for talking me through the edits over MSN!
Dear Hugh
The text messaging display of my cellphone is not working consistently. I would like the phone to be repaired or replaced without charge, as this is the second time it has broken down.
I purchased the phone under warranty at Biltmore Wireless just over a year ago. Eight months later the text messaging display stopped working. When I notified your department of this matter, I was impressed with your friendly service and how quickly you repaired my phone. This was particularly important to me because I depend on text messaging to communicate with my family when I am frequently away on business. Yesterday, however, the screen went blank again while I was in the middle of a conversation with my daughter. Since this seems to be a recurring problem, although the warranty has just ended, I would like the phone to be repaired or replaced at no additional cost.
I appreciated your prompt reply and excellent service the last time this situation occurred, and I’m sure I can continue to count on your company to stand behind your products.
Sincerely
Jayne Romero
Thursday, October 18, 2007
To whom it may concern (Attn: Assignment 2)
I welcome any comments you have on this. I think I'm having writer's block! Ah! The ending is proving difficult for me. Note: I've left out the addresses and other formalities for easy reading.
So let's look at what I wrote. I haven't touched it since Sunday -- work is taking up my spare time -- so this will be 'fresh' to me too.
The Letter [part 1]
Attn: Joanne Carter
My cellphone has a ongoing problem with the text messaging display. Because this is the same defect, I want to have the cellphone repaired free of charge or have it replaced.
The warranty covered the first problem after eight months of use. The Repairs Department was able to quickly fix this problem and have it back to me in less than two working days, even though the customer service representative said this may take up to five or more business days. The speed of the service meant that I could keep my shop open for the week and my staff still worked full-time for that week. I considered repairing the phone locally, but Biltmore's quality of service cannot be matched.
The same problem presented itself just after the first anniversary and my warranty is expired.
[Not sure how to word the outcome -- will probably sound the same as the summary. Need help! I'm not sure how to close without sounding pushy.]
[I look forward to your response.]
Linda Ristevski.
The Letter [part 2]
My cellphone has an ongoing problem with the text messaging display. Because of this, I want to have the cellphone repaired free of charge or have it replaced.
The warranty covered the first instance of the problem after eight months of use. The Repairs Department was able to quickly fix it and have it back to me in less than two working days, even though the customer service representative said this could take up to five or more business days. The speed of the service meant that I could keep my shop open for the week and my staff continued working full-time. I considered repairing the phone locally, but Biltmore's quality of service cannot be matched.
The same problem presented itself just after the first anniversary of purchase and my warranty is expired. I trust that Biltmore can repair or replace my cellphone free of charge so that this ongoing problem can be resolved.
I look forward to your response.
Anaylsis
The introduction should be direct because the person who is most likely going to read this is accustom to reading these kinds of complaints and would like to know the problem upfront. not only that, they would probably want t know (or it is in your own best interest to say) what outcome you expect from this situation.
I gave facts and background information in the middle paragraph and created "goodwill" towards the end of that.
I don't know what to say in the next paragraph. I will have to think about it today at work. I have meetings all day and work to do on top of that. But I must. This section should mirror the introduction in some way.
Again, if anyone can make a comment to steer me in the right direction, that would be great.
Reminder! Bring two copies of this assignment to class: one with your name on it to hand in for marking and an anonymous one for a classmate. Then the switch-a-roo!
So let's look at what I wrote. I haven't touched it since Sunday -- work is taking up my spare time -- so this will be 'fresh' to me too.
The Letter [part 1]
Attn: Joanne Carter
My cellphone has a ongoing problem with the text messaging display. Because this is the same defect, I want to have the cellphone repaired free of charge or have it replaced.
The warranty covered the first problem after eight months of use. The Repairs Department was able to quickly fix this problem and have it back to me in less than two working days, even though the customer service representative said this may take up to five or more business days. The speed of the service meant that I could keep my shop open for the week and my staff still worked full-time for that week. I considered repairing the phone locally, but Biltmore's quality of service cannot be matched.
The same problem presented itself just after the first anniversary and my warranty is expired.
[Not sure how to word the outcome -- will probably sound the same as the summary. Need help! I'm not sure how to close without sounding pushy.]
[I look forward to your response.]
Linda Ristevski.
The Letter [part 2]
My cellphone has an ongoing problem with the text messaging display. Because of this, I want to have the cellphone repaired free of charge or have it replaced.
The warranty covered the first instance of the problem after eight months of use. The Repairs Department was able to quickly fix it and have it back to me in less than two working days, even though the customer service representative said this could take up to five or more business days. The speed of the service meant that I could keep my shop open for the week and my staff continued working full-time. I considered repairing the phone locally, but Biltmore's quality of service cannot be matched.
The same problem presented itself just after the first anniversary of purchase and my warranty is expired. I trust that Biltmore can repair or replace my cellphone free of charge so that this ongoing problem can be resolved.
I look forward to your response.
Anaylsis
The introduction should be direct because the person who is most likely going to read this is accustom to reading these kinds of complaints and would like to know the problem upfront. not only that, they would probably want t know (or it is in your own best interest to say) what outcome you expect from this situation.
I gave facts and background information in the middle paragraph and created "goodwill" towards the end of that.
I don't know what to say in the next paragraph. I will have to think about it today at work. I have meetings all day and work to do on top of that. But I must. This section should mirror the introduction in some way.
Again, if anyone can make a comment to steer me in the right direction, that would be great.
Reminder! Bring two copies of this assignment to class: one with your name on it to hand in for marking and an anonymous one for a classmate. Then the switch-a-roo!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Time to get active
I figured it was high time I write an actual post as opposed to just commenting and letting everyone else do the work, so here it is, folks. Prepare to be amazed. (Er...in all likelihood, probably not...)
I found this week's homework assignment pretty straightforward; if only all our assignments were a matter of changing passive verbs to active ones! I don't have my sentence in front of me, but I'm pretty sure my final version went something along the lines of:
Several female employees alleged that Mr. Harrison had threatened them, although he denied these claims.
I'm still not sure that "claims" is the best word to use, as I think for some it might carry a connotation of accustions that are unsubstantiated and/or not credible. But I used it anyway... go figure. I wonder how different the versions of this sentence will be when we hear what everyone came up with in class. I'm always amazed at how one sentence can be rewritten 10 different ways by 10 different people, usually quite well each time!
I found this week's homework assignment pretty straightforward; if only all our assignments were a matter of changing passive verbs to active ones! I don't have my sentence in front of me, but I'm pretty sure my final version went something along the lines of:
Several female employees alleged that Mr. Harrison had threatened them, although he denied these claims.
I'm still not sure that "claims" is the best word to use, as I think for some it might carry a connotation of accustions that are unsubstantiated and/or not credible. But I used it anyway... go figure. I wonder how different the versions of this sentence will be when we hear what everyone came up with in class. I'm always amazed at how one sentence can be rewritten 10 different ways by 10 different people, usually quite well each time!
Homework: was it harder than I thought?
Page 62, #16 j
16. Identify any passive verbs in the following sentence and change them to active verbs. Rewrite the sentence using active verbs and eliminating any unnecessary wording so that each sentence is clear and concise.
j) Accusations were made by several female employees who made the statement that overtly threatening remarks had been made to them by Mr. Harrison, but the charges were denied by the man who had been accused.
[I underlined the passive verbs.]
1. Employees accused Mr. Harrison of overtly threatening them, but he denied the charges.
[Is it important to state that the employees are female in this matter?]
16. Identify any passive verbs in the following sentence and change them to active verbs. Rewrite the sentence using active verbs and eliminating any unnecessary wording so that each sentence is clear and concise.
j) Accusations were made by several female employees who made the statement that overtly threatening remarks had been made to them by Mr. Harrison, but the charges were denied by the man who had been accused.
[I underlined the passive verbs.]
1. Employees accused Mr. Harrison of overtly threatening them, but he denied the charges.
[Is it important to state that the employees are female in this matter?]
Aha!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Ambiguity
Well I've been having issues with this thing... for sure it reflects ambiguity in the sense that I don't know in what sense are they stating this i.e. in a legal sense or just or as in a morale sense....
I think that the part of "in accordance to managerial policy.... i think that is already implicitly stated.... I dont know if I am making sense....
It helps to focus on the main goal which is to be clear, concise and specific......lets see:
Our policy states, that employees are rewarded accordingly to their time and effort for the benefit of the company.
When the employees take the extra time and effort for the benefit of the company, they are rewarded accordingly. (sent as final answer).
I think that the part of "in accordance to managerial policy.... i think that is already implicitly stated.... I dont know if I am making sense....
It helps to focus on the main goal which is to be clear, concise and specific......lets see:
Our policy states, that employees are rewarded accordingly to their time and effort for the benefit of the company.
When the employees take the extra time and effort for the benefit of the company, they are rewarded accordingly. (sent as final answer).
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Thoughts and attempts
I tried. I included some thoughts about what I'm working on. From Page 34 #4
a) There will be considerable cause for concern if the billings are screwed up by the Accounting Department with respect to our most important client.
i. If the accounting team doesn't pay attention to the billings' details, our most important client may be concerned.
ii. The accounting team should pay particular attention to the billings as our key client is concerned about their accuracy.
iii. [final] We should pay particular attention to the accuracy of the billings so that we can satisfy our most important client.
b) Although I hate to disturb anyone who is sleeping, it would be a pleasure to have our order filled by your department on time for a change.
i. Can your department have our order filled out/in a timely fashion/manner?
ii. [final] I understand you have scheduling constraints, however can your department fill out our order?
c) If the girls in Human Resources want prompt payment for overtime, they should come to visit me on the fourth floor before Friday.
i. To receive prompt overtime payment, the human resources team should visit me on the forth floor before Friday.
d) With respect to your letter on August 9, please be advised that you neglected to send the camera, which prevents us from assessing your allegations of poor performance.
i. I received your letter on August 9, (but the letter wasn't accompanied by the camera). To assess the camera's performance, send your camera to us.
ii. [final] Thank you for your letter of August 9, but unfortunately it is impossible to diagnose the camera's performance without seeing it. Please send your camera to us for further examination.
e) Mr. Miller, that customer must be on crack -- but let's touch base about how to sweet talk him so he doesn't call it quits.
i. Mr. Miller, I'm dealing with a particularly difficult customer. You might have experience in this matter, so I want to discuss other ways of satisfying this customer.
ii. [final] Mr. Miller, my customer is dealing with a particularly difficult situation. You might have experience in this matter, so I want to discuss other ways of satisfying this customer.
[Is Mr. Miller his coworker or superior? Is he being overly formal by saying "Mr."? The title could indicate that he is his superior.]
f) Pursuant to my previous memo on the 28th, the new instructions for the photocopying machines should henceforth be duly distributed not only to supervisors in the Marketing and Sales departments but also to all personnel using the aforesaid machines.
i. The new instructions for the photocopier should be given to marketing and sales supervisors, and to personnel who use it.
ii. Personnel who use the photocopier, especially marking and sales supervisors, should get the new instructions for it.
iii. [final] The new instructions for the photocopier should be given to marketing and sales supervisors, and to personnel who use it.
g) Since I'm busy with important matters, instead of having our usual weekly meeting just let me know if your department will have the page proofs ready on time for a change.
i. This week's meeting has been canceled. When the team is ready with the page proofs, let me know.
ii. I canceled this week's meeting to focus on urgent matters. When the page proofs are ready, send them to me. Let me know if you expect any delays.
iii. [final] I canceled this week's meeting to focus on urgent matters. When the page proofs are ready, please send them to me. Let me know if you expect any delays.
a) There will be considerable cause for concern if the billings are screwed up by the Accounting Department with respect to our most important client.
i. If the accounting team doesn't pay attention to the billings' details, our most important client may be concerned.
[This doesn't work because the cause for concern part has no subject.]
ii. The accounting team should pay particular attention to the billings as our key client is concerned about their accuracy.
[This misses the point. I think that the cause for concern is relative to the company's business and their future relationship with the client.]
iii. [final] We should pay particular attention to the accuracy of the billings so that we can satisfy our most important client.
b) Although I hate to disturb anyone who is sleeping, it would be a pleasure to have our order filled by your department on time for a change.
i. Can your department have our order filled out/in a timely fashion/manner?
[Is it necessary to include the writer's displeasure with the tardiness of the department? Isn't it OK to use contractions in "conversational" speech? Maybe remove the "who" and shorten it that way.]
ii. [final] I understand you have scheduling constraints, however can your department fill out our order?
c) If the girls in Human Resources want prompt payment for overtime, they should come to visit me on the fourth floor before Friday.
i. To receive prompt overtime payment, the human resources team should visit me on the forth floor before Friday.
[Who is the intended audience: the manager of the "girls" or the "girls" themselves?]
ii. [final] To receive prompt payment for overtime, the human resources team should come to the forth floor before Friday.i. I received your letter on August 9, (but the letter wasn't accompanied by the camera). To assess the camera's performance, send your camera to us.
ii. [final] Thank you for your letter of August 9, but unfortunately it is impossible to diagnose the camera's performance without seeing it. Please send your camera to us for further examination.
e) Mr. Miller, that customer must be on crack -- but let's touch base about how to sweet talk him so he doesn't call it quits.
i. Mr. Miller, I'm dealing with a particularly difficult customer. You might have experience in this matter, so I want to discuss other ways of satisfying this customer.
ii. [final] Mr. Miller, my customer is dealing with a particularly difficult situation. You might have experience in this matter, so I want to discuss other ways of satisfying this customer.
[Is Mr. Miller his coworker or superior? Is he being overly formal by saying "Mr."? The title could indicate that he is his superior.]
f) Pursuant to my previous memo on the 28th, the new instructions for the photocopying machines should henceforth be duly distributed not only to supervisors in the Marketing and Sales departments but also to all personnel using the aforesaid machines.
i. The new instructions for the photocopier should be given to marketing and sales supervisors, and to personnel who use it.
ii. Personnel who use the photocopier, especially marking and sales supervisors, should get the new instructions for it.
iii. [final] The new instructions for the photocopier should be given to marketing and sales supervisors, and to personnel who use it.
g) Since I'm busy with important matters, instead of having our usual weekly meeting just let me know if your department will have the page proofs ready on time for a change.
i. This week's meeting has been canceled. When the team is ready with the page proofs, let me know.
ii. I canceled this week's meeting to focus on urgent matters. When the page proofs are ready, send them to me. Let me know if you expect any delays.
iii. [final] I canceled this week's meeting to focus on urgent matters. When the page proofs are ready, please send them to me. Let me know if you expect any delays.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Strutting my skills on the runway
I've had my fabulous dinner with the models from Top Model on TV. I'm a little brain dead from spinning and work today. My coworkers noticed how verbose [or long-winded] I was; not getting to the point of my stories, plain tired. I'm just off today and I blame the weather. Ah. Let's get back to what's important.
I've cycled through a few proposed answers for our assigned homework. I'm so indecisive. Starring at page 55 # 3b, I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand the correct context. Maybe the ambiguity is "built in" so that there is not one right answer. I dislike long sentences. *Pout* The exercise hints at the approach: "revise the following sentences, replacing many of the Latinisms, unnecessary noun phrases, and jargon with plain language." Yes, you might have guessed that my cheeky blog name was spurred on by this assignment. [Passive voice. I used it to put focus on my cheeky blog name. Live with it!]
Without further ado [which is a petrified {fossilized like in stone} expression]:
I most certainly have it memorized by now.
#3b
In accordance with managerial policy, any intensification of effort on the part of employees leading to a maximization of production will be met with commensurate compensation.
Sometimes I find it difficult to let go of my writing, worried about the criticism that I know I'll have to face eventually. Sadly, only hours earlier, I was criticizing the lanky, but somewhat pretty girls on Top Model as they were being judged for something that is very personal to them as well; their unique, edgy looks and their grace. I hope I can thrive off this writing challenge and handle the criticism. As you probably noticed, I tend to focus on the small details and not on the content of the message. I hope I can learn to see past those details to write quickly and concisely.
I've cycled through a few proposed answers for our assigned homework. I'm so indecisive. Starring at page 55 # 3b, I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand the correct context. Maybe the ambiguity is "built in" so that there is not one right answer. I dislike long sentences. *Pout* The exercise hints at the approach: "revise the following sentences, replacing many of the Latinisms, unnecessary noun phrases, and jargon with plain language." Yes, you might have guessed that my cheeky blog name was spurred on by this assignment. [Passive voice. I used it to put focus on my cheeky blog name. Live with it!]
Without further ado [which is a petrified {fossilized like in stone} expression]:
I most certainly have it memorized by now.
#3b
In accordance with managerial policy, any intensification of effort on the part of employees leading to a maximization of production will be met with commensurate compensation.
- In agreement with managerial policy, employees who output a maximum work effort will receive proportional payment.
- Employees who work more than their scheduled hours will be rewarded with overtime pay.
- Following our policy, all employee efforts that maximize our output will earn payments to match their efforts. [Sent as my final answer.]
Sometimes I find it difficult to let go of my writing, worried about the criticism that I know I'll have to face eventually. Sadly, only hours earlier, I was criticizing the lanky, but somewhat pretty girls on Top Model as they were being judged for something that is very personal to them as well; their unique, edgy looks and their grace. I hope I can thrive off this writing challenge and handle the criticism. As you probably noticed, I tend to focus on the small details and not on the content of the message. I hope I can learn to see past those details to write quickly and concisely.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Why are we here?
I ask myself this question all the time.
I'm inviting anyone from Problems in Technical and Professional Writing to join in and complain all they want about the homework and we might even learn something. This space is meant to be a forum for TRAN 3310 homework discussion, but feel free to talk about the weather.
Remember, this is homework discussion, not a copy and paste session. Writing is always up for interpretation. Let's see if we can expose the various interpretations through our discussions. Hurrah! :)
I'm inviting anyone from Problems in Technical and Professional Writing to join in and complain all they want about the homework and we might even learn something. This space is meant to be a forum for TRAN 3310 homework discussion, but feel free to talk about the weather.
Remember, this is homework discussion, not a copy and paste session. Writing is always up for interpretation. Let's see if we can expose the various interpretations through our discussions. Hurrah! :)
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