a) There will be considerable cause for concern if the billings are screwed up by the Accounting Department with respect to our most important client.
i. If the accounting team doesn't pay attention to the billings' details, our most important client may be concerned.
[This doesn't work because the cause for concern part has no subject.]
ii. The accounting team should pay particular attention to the billings as our key client is concerned about their accuracy.
[This misses the point. I think that the cause for concern is relative to the company's business and their future relationship with the client.]
iii. [final] We should pay particular attention to the accuracy of the billings so that we can satisfy our most important client.
b) Although I hate to disturb anyone who is sleeping, it would be a pleasure to have our order filled by your department on time for a change.
i. Can your department have our order filled out/in a timely fashion/manner?
[Is it necessary to include the writer's displeasure with the tardiness of the department? Isn't it OK to use contractions in "conversational" speech? Maybe remove the "who" and shorten it that way.]
ii. [final] I understand you have scheduling constraints, however can your department fill out our order?
c) If the girls in Human Resources want prompt payment for overtime, they should come to visit me on the fourth floor before Friday.
i. To receive prompt overtime payment, the human resources team should visit me on the forth floor before Friday.
[Who is the intended audience: the manager of the "girls" or the "girls" themselves?]ii. [final] To receive prompt payment for overtime, the human resources team should come to the forth floor before Friday.
d) With respect to your letter on August 9, please be advised that you neglected to send the camera, which prevents us from assessing your allegations of poor performance.
i. I received your letter on August 9, (but the letter wasn't accompanied by the camera). To assess the camera's performance, send your camera to us.
ii. [final] Thank you for your letter of August 9, but unfortunately it is impossible to diagnose the camera's performance without seeing it. Please send your camera to us for further examination.
e) Mr. Miller, that customer must be on crack -- but let's touch base about how to sweet talk him so he doesn't call it quits.
i. Mr. Miller, I'm dealing with a particularly difficult customer. You might have experience in this matter, so I want to discuss other ways of satisfying this customer.
ii. [final] Mr. Miller, my customer is dealing with a particularly difficult situation. You might have experience in this matter, so I want to discuss other ways of satisfying this customer.
[Is Mr. Miller his coworker or superior? Is he being overly formal by saying "Mr."? The title could indicate that he is his superior.]
f) Pursuant to my previous memo on the 28th, the new instructions for the photocopying machines should henceforth be duly distributed not only to supervisors in the Marketing and Sales departments but also to all personnel using the aforesaid machines.
i. The new instructions for the photocopier should be given to marketing and sales supervisors, and to personnel who use it.
ii. Personnel who use the photocopier, especially marking and sales supervisors, should get the new instructions for it.
iii. [final] The new instructions for the photocopier should be given to marketing and sales supervisors, and to personnel who use it.
g) Since I'm busy with important matters, instead of having our usual weekly meeting just let me know if your department will have the page proofs ready on time for a change.
i. This week's meeting has been canceled. When the team is ready with the page proofs, let me know.
ii. I canceled this week's meeting to focus on urgent matters. When the page proofs are ready, send them to me. Let me know if you expect any delays.
iii. [final] I canceled this week's meeting to focus on urgent matters. When the page proofs are ready, please send them to me. Let me know if you expect any delays.